The last two months have been the most challenging I’ve experienced in quite a while. On the same day that I was letting my daughter go and moving her into college, I got the call that my dad passed…I think it is impossible for me to put into words just how emotionally confused I was on that day. My journey with my dad consisted of so many ups and downs, happiness and sadness, and love in all of its complexity…What I learned over the last two months is the finality of death. Once a death takes a loved one…the possibilities that existed within that relationship are instantly gone…this reality has been the hardest part of my healing journey…This month’s blog entry is dedicated to my dad George (Toe) Carpenter…this was my tribute to him, our relationship, and his memory…
My journey with my dad is broken up into the decades of my life.
First Decade – Unfiltered Love
The only word to describe the first decade of my life is LOVE. George (Toe) Carpenter was the very first man I was madly in love with. Anywhere he was, I wanted to be. Everything he did was magical in my eyes. He made the best Kool Aid ever, he was the best colorer, and he was just plain cool. He was handsome and played the most beautiful music. I could hear his bongos and the music on my way home from school. He went bike riding with us, had snow ball fights, and everyone in our neighborhood thought he was cool too. I loved how people gravitated toward him, and thought wow he is mine. My siblings use to tease me and say I was his favorite, but that was far from the truth. We were all his favorite at one point. During the first 10 years of my life, I only saw the good in him, and that I know was a gift that I gave him.
Second Decade – Family
The second decade of my life he gave me a very unexpected gift. A whole new family, which included the greatest gifts he has ever given me, and that is Pia and Eric. I never imagined being a big sister, and I also never imagined that because of what he taught me, we would be standing side by side, closer than close, honoring the man that created us. What he taught us all was to be there for each other. When we were little he simply told Leah (my older sister), “Get them” if anyone ever messed with me. And when I became a big sister, I knew that it was my job to be there and protect my little sister and brother like Leah always protected me and all of us. I took that job seriously and still do. All six of his kids are the best of Toe and I know he is smiling down on us.
Third Decade – Forgiveness
In my 20’s I lost contact with my dad for several years. And at one point didn’t know where he was. This tormented me. When I began dating Kevin (my husband), he was instrumental in helping me find him. I don’t remember how, but we found him and went to visit him on Bergen Street in Newark. This is when I met his new sweetheart Geraldine, Tia, and Samantha (another new family). I was so happy to have found him, and invited dad and Gerry to dinner at our new apartment. When dinner was over, and I dropped them home, I sat in the car and fell apart. I was holding on to so much disappointment, pain, sadness, and hope. I sat in that car and I let it go…I had to accept my dad for who he was and not the image of what I wanted him to be. I cried all night, but I let it go and forgave him for everything he wasn’t but wished he could be.
Fourth Decade – Time
My dad suffered with the illness of addiction for much of his life. Because of this he missed out on a lot of things, but over this last year, we were able to spend quality time with him. One of the most beautiful occasions was this time last year at his oldest daughter’s 50th birthday celebration. I am so grateful he was able to be there because it was truly a celebration of life and all of the bumps and bruises along the way. For one night there was no pain, no regret, no disappointment….JUST LOVE. WE all danced with him, loved on him, and he cried like a baby when it was time to say goodbye.
Closing
His little brother sat with him in the last minutes of his life…holding his hand….and assuring him we were okay and that it was OK for him to rest. Daddy I pray you are at peace knowing that we loved you for all the wonderful things you were, we forgave you for the things you were not, and now all we see is perfection as you can finally rest your body and soul….
- Life is short…People are human…Don’t waste time.
- Forgiveness is key to healing for you and them!
My Challenge for you:
- Forgive anyone in your life that you love…Call them…visit them…love them!
- Let go of what you think should be, and accept what is…
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