Becoming a mom was the most amazing experience of love for me. I had not experienced love so intensely until becoming a mom to all three of my children. I did not know then, at the beginning of this parenting love journey that it would challenge me to look in the mirror and face myself almost every day of my life. It would take me to the highest of highs, and lowest of lows. No one tells you that one of the most challenging phases would be learning to be a parent of an adult child…
My daughter, who agreed that I could share this part of our journey, recently experienced being in a toxic and abusive relationship. Because I am a child of an addict, I have always had issues with alcohol and drugs, and pretty much tried to terrify my kids from ever even trying them…yeah that didn’t work! My biggest fear was that addiction would steal my children from me, and because I know that I am powerless against addiction, I would not be able to protect them. When addiction came in the form of a toxic relationship, I was still powerless to prevent it. It literally broke my heart to see another human being sucking the light out of my beautiful shining star. At some point, I had to trust that the foundation that we raised her with would overpower the control he had on her, and thankfully and prayerfully it did. She was able to see her light enough to get away and choose herself (hopefully one day she will share her own story). Recently we were talking and she shared something that her therapist brought to light about being raised by a life coach. She realized that she learned all of the tools to make herself feel better (yoga, running, journaling, meditation, etc), but she did not know how to sit with her pain and begin healing from it. That hit me deeply and made me reflect on how that could be, and how I might have contributed to that….
What I discovered is she watched me do just that in my own journey. Yes, it has gotten me through the darkest of times, but at some point, feeling better can prevent real healing. When I decided to move to South Florida, I was forced to face some of the pain I’ve been focused on feeling better from. I had to pull out some of the memories I was avoiding and hiding behind the bookcases. I had to face and acknowledge that the life I once built, the dreams I once had, the marriage I once loved were over. On the first day of packing, I found a frame that I presented to my husband on our 10th anniversary that showed our journey and all the love and hopes we once had. I stood in the room alone and felt my heart explode. I broke completely down in tears. I was overwhelmed at what was ahead of me as I packed up the life that once was. I also knew that I had to do this in order to embrace the life ahead. Once I could breathe, I called my big sister and said, “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t even know where to start.” She calmly said, get a big box, and take the pictures out and keep the memories for the kids, and throw the damn frames away.” Just having a plan helped me push forward and the anxiety began to decrease. I sat on the floor, continuing to cry my eyes out, and allowed myself to feel whatever I needed to feel as I peeled away each picture, each memory, and each dream I once had. I cried a lot that day, but then I didn’t cry again. It actually turned into a week of healing for all of us. Allowing myself to feel the pain, allowed all of us to let go of what once was for real, for real…My youngest said to me, “mom we are leaving the house, but the memories will live with us forever”. Profound!
So what have I learned about my healing journey…
1. I learned that the things I’ve spent my life teaching and protecting my kids from can actually prevent them from their own healing (mind blown)!
2. Feeling better is great and the tools I use to feel better celebrate healing, but sometimes there is no other way to healing than to deal with and feel the pain head-on…
3. My daughter is strong, courageous, and brave…and I had just a little bit to do with that!
Are you embracing your healing journey? Are there things that you are “feeling better” about, that you still need to heal from?
- Jot them down…
- Reflect on them….
- Take action…
Every step gets you closer (big or small). If you want some help along the way, I would love to be your coach. Sign up for a free consultation to explore!
