I know it has been a while, but recently I’ve been inspired to write. Lately, I’ve been having some breakthrough moments. Not sure why. I think partly because I started reading the book, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. I began the journey of this book with my oldest child (who has finished it well before me). I’ve been struggling to get through it. Not because it is not good. It is amazing. But because the concepts are not easy to digest or apply. The desire to embrace the now, and the awareness of how much I don’t currently, can be overwhelming to be honest. As I am slowly reading, I am noticing myself applying these tools to various incidents in my life without even realizing it.
One particular breakthrough happened recently. My son participated in a very prestigious event at his college. This is the first time I’ve been to an event that my ex-husband was the center of in almost 10 years. As a family, we have come so far. We are great co-parents…complimenting each other where the other lacks. I’ve embraced his new girlfriend, and he admires my freedom. We are really in a beautiful space. However, being in that space, that I was such a big part of at one time, was a little unsettling. For the most part, all was going extremely well. My son did his part in a phenomenal way. We all were beaming with pride, and I sent my son a text sharing how proud I was of him. His response was, “Thank you momma, wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you”. At the time, I wasn’t sure why this statement made me fall apart at the seams, but those tender words hit me so deeply. This is a LONG event, so I excused myself from my table, and went up to my hotel room. I took some really deep breaths to manage my tears, and the only person I could think of that could really help me process my feelings was my daughter who was in Guatemala at the time. So I FaceTimed her. And thankfully she answered!
I am not sure when it happened, but my daughter and I have evolved into more of soulmates than just mother-daughter. She sees me in ways very few do, and I too see her in ways that go far beyond the surface. It is quite magical and beautiful. As I tried to explain my feelings, she actually stopped me and just told me to feel. Stop trying to explain it, or get through it, but just feel whatever it is. So I did…I cried more tears, not fully knowing what they were for. Just acknowledging that there was still pain there even though I could not call it out immediately. It felt so good to just release and not feel the pressure to know.
Once I was ready to talk, I did. I retraced my feelings. I was sitting in this huge room surrounded by people who were a part of my world when I was still on the porch. I looked at my ex-husbands table where he sat with his new girlfriend, and his friends new girlfriends, my bother and sister-in-love, and a few others. I am not a part of this world anymore, and have no desire to be. When I looked over at them, I remembered the last time I had a seat at that table. I was lost and sad, and didn’t even realize it. I started to remember the feelings I felt of wearing a dress that didn’t fit. The terror of trying to fit in a box that I grew out of. The discomfort of being in a world that I also never belonged. And for a split second, I was her again and it terrified me. When my son sent that beautiful text of gratitude, it unlocked all of those feelings. I think it was the text that sent me over and brought me back, because through it all my son acknowledged and celebrated who I am now with gratitude. It somehow validated those heart-wrenching decisions that I had to make so many years ago. My daughter listened, and loved me through this tender moment…she was perfect, and before I knew it I was good! I put on some eye patches to get rid of my puffy eyes, refreshed my make-up, sent so much love to my daughter and went back to the party lighter and ready to embrace the special evening that it was.
A few lessons learned. Just because you still have pain from the past, does not mean you are stuck in the past. It is okay to acknowledge the pain instead of running from it (even if you don’t know what it is yet). Another monumental moment was when I used my power. Alicia of the past would have just sat there and sucked it up and held back the tears, but this Alicia took the time she needed and returned when she was ready. I felt so powerful! Lastly, I learned that I can be in any environment and feel empowered to be myself and embrace who I choose to be now. Being in that space ruffled me a bit, but then I regrouped and was able to enjoy the people, my family, and how far we have come in a lovely authentic way. I continue to choose how my healing journey unfolds, and if that is not the Power of being in the NOW, I don’t know what is.
The Power of Now
