About 7 years ago, I began questioning everything that I knew to be “real” in my life. After watching the movie Unconditional, I started to question the foundation of some of the most sacred relationships in my life. Isn’t it crazy how a movie can move you to that point of reflection? This movie explored deep connection with love and friendship. As wonderful as my life and my relationships were, I knew there was something missing. I knew that something was me, because I was too afraid to embrace or reveal myself fully. What if I alone wasn’t enough…I wasn’t enough for my dad…so how could I be enough for anyone else?
These questions took me way back to when I was a little girl on the porch. The little girl on the porch is a reflection of me as a young girl who used to wait for my dad to pick me up. Time after time, he left me waiting, but I never stopped hoping, waiting, or sitting on that porch every time he said he was coming. I never gave up on him, but the impact of him not showing up haunted me for most of my adult life without even realizing it. As I reflected more and more, I discovered that for most of my life, I’ve depended on my closest relationships to save me from the porch. When those relationships let me down, or did not live up to my expectations, I always found myself back on the porch waiting. I was the victim in my own life story!
My victim story included me returning to the porch repeatedly. I lived with pain, disappointment, loneliness, and extreme vulnerability. I tried my best to be perfect, to go over and beyond to please people, and made myself smaller so that I didn’t scare anyone away. Much like with my dad, I don’t think I ever experienced a close relationship that I have ever given up on, no matter how uncomfortable I became, or how much I was taken for granted. I thought that my unconditional waiting was what made me “special”. I would just wait on that porch for “whomever” to change, or show up, and no matter how lonely or painful it was, I just waited and waited…
The porch became so unbearable that I couldn’t breathe. I realized in order for me to survive, I had to get off the porch. I had to let go of controlling my world, and really start living. I had to change my story. I wanted to stop waiting for others to love me the way I needed, and I knew it had to start with me. I had to start loving myself fully. I decided that I would create boundaries; I would not be smaller than my giant personality; and I would give and receive love authentically. It was terrifying, because I knew some relationship would not survive. I had to tested the waters, and guess what? Some people did leave, but some stayed, and new ones emerged. I rewrote my victim story, and though I can’t change the experience of being left on the porch, I can change the outcome. I’ve learn to accept the wonderful qualities that I had on the porch like loving with my whole heart, unsurmountable hope, and the propensity to forgive unconditionally. Those things didn’t change, but I’ve learned to use them in ways that don’t harm me. I accept all of me. I started this journey small, and terrified on a porch that I thought protected me, but now I choose to get off the porch a whole and courageous person. I am accepting my imperfections with grace, I am beginning to realize that I am truly enough, and I take each day as it comes. In my quest to living an authentic life, I choose not to be a victim or sacrifice myself or my happiness so that everyone else is “good”.
Now that I am off the porch, I do it with the confidence that I am stronger than I ever imagine, good enough, and worthy to give and receive love completely. If people need to walk away from me, I allow them to and I no longer wait for them to show up. Settling for less and people pleasing is no longer necessary, and it really never was. My hope and prayer is that by having the courage to get off the porch, my kids will see that their mom had the courage to get off the porch, and that if they find themselves on their own porch; they too have what it takes to get off.
My Take Aways:
- Just because your “victim” story left you on the porch, it is never too late to get off the porch.
- The fears that kept me from getting off the porch paralyzed me because I thought I would crumble, but I survived, and I am strong, and I am at peace because I am able to be my best authentic self.
My Challenge for you:
- What is your victim story? We ALL have one.
- How will you stop being a victim in your own life? List three things, and post them on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself each day.
